Dead
GloomyIt goes without saying that I've been too depressed to draw, scan or touch-up anything I 'have' done - I find I am left with little energy to do anything.
I don't say this to get sympathy, as barely two people read my journals, but rather to chronicle my reasons for not uploading.
In other news, my cat has a cyst on her eye, and had to have it buttoned up after an operation to remove it, which remains to be seen if it worked or not. Because of the meds she needs to take for her eye, she cannot take her arthritis meds, so she is stiffening up, and for a while now I've been feeling like she is going to die soon, to the point of checking to see if she's breathing when she's curled up. So far so good.
I can't cope with life. Since I last came on, I now have 73 new deviations to look at. Great. Believe it or not, I find that very stressful. Pathetic, isn't it?
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Dirge - Chronicles of Midghar:
Introduction to Dirge: [link]
Index of Content: [link]
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Devious Comments
second.. you know it makes me sad when you're like that.. you're an awesome person who shouldnt be that pessimistic.. i'm not very good cheering up people but, you know, i'm here to whatever you want...
please... cheer up... or should i put a smile on your face?
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{Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi}
"Robin, I have to get into the Batcave. And when I say Batcave, I mean your ass"
-Batman
but this isnt just about today. its been building up, getting worse for months and I can't take it anymore. I dont see how i can come out on top of it, so the only other way is to give up, and then I'll feel like a failure, and still be depressed. there's just no escape.
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Photography, Storyboards, Weaponry and Anime-style Art.
Go to the Dirge:CoM Index: [link] ; Or the Introduction if you're new!: [link]
it's like... i really dont know what to say but i dont want you to feel like that... shit... ¬¬
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{Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi}
"Robin, I have to get into the Batcave. And when I say Batcave, I mean your ass"
-Batman
you know photography.... i'm a great believer of that you shouldnt need to get a degree in it or anything to be able to do it professionally. you might need to have other things supporting you for a while, but there's future. you do photography im guessing you might like to go somewhere with it? there's not many who can pull off black and white so well as you... or work with film for that matter. but the thing is... so many of your photos seem to like, say something. if you see what i mean... you should look at photojournalism... im not sure how exactly you get into it. but there's got to be something you can do. some newspapers ask for young people to get involved. maybe it can lead somewhere. or even as a commercial photographer, although that might be harder to get into.
anyways. what im saying is that just because there isnt a straightforward route out there that leads you directly down the road you want to go doesnt mean you cant get from A to B. it means it will be harder getting there and you might have to do something you dont want to do in the meantime.
you definitely have skills as far as i can see with photography. and you create your future. if you decide you have no future you *will* have no future. if you decide you have to look for another future then you will find one.
im sorry about your cat.... just make the most of while she is alive... and try not to think about the possibility of her dying...
i dont think anyone will mind if you dont look through them... we know you're having a crap time....
cheer up
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ti'n seren
Doing photography was accidental... I wanted to do art originally, but was told to do this instead since it didn't need a portfolio. I don't think I'm that good - I've seen such better work from others in my class... even my tutor thought everything besides the seagulls was crap (which I don't think are that special myself...). I have no idea what I want. I don't know if I want a future at all. I thought writing was my way forward, but now I'm failing English abysmally, and I'm finding it hard to have any original ideas in anything.
The only thing I'm really good at is playing videogames... and I did actually get a job as a games tester, but because I'm in college and it's a contract job, I couldn't do it.
Absolutely everything in my life has gone wrong... the timing has been atrocious for anything good that's ever happened to me, so nothing ever works out. It seems the only thing I'm good at it being a burden on others.
I love my cat so much... it's so depressing to see her stagger around and bump into things. Twice I was there when she tried to jump onto my bed to be with me, when he collar (the cone thing to stop her scratching her buttons) hit the side and she crashed onto the floor. I'll be crushed when she dies. She's the only thing I feel loves me, as sad as that is.
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Photography, Storyboards, Weaponry and Anime-style Art.
Go to the Dirge:CoM Index: [link] ; Or the Introduction if you're new!: [link]
--
Photography, Storyboards, Weaponry and Anime-style Art.
Go to the Dirge:CoM Index: [link] ; Or the Introduction if you're new!: [link]
--
{Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi}
"Robin, I have to get into the Batcave. And when I say Batcave, I mean your ass"
-Batman
some of the best things happen by accident. maybe you need to stop comparing. sometimes what you do is different, not better or worse. i dont like the sound of your college... they arent exactly supportive are they :-/ one of my art teachers seems to have a policy of only positive criticism. you look and see what you can improve, not what is bad. are you able to resit a year? i know it wouldnt be what you'd be wanting... but you have to think of possibilities. there's no point in thinking about whether you *want* a future... you're going to have a future whether you like it or not. you just need to channel your thoughts into it. the prospect of feeling, use it to make you work harder, not to stop altogether...
its not really playing videogames so much... but at newport they have courses for designing them. one of the things they said in the school of art "things we're interested in" (*ahem*) was something like the "theory and practice of computer gaming" and that... look around. maybe if you look for like, old polytechnic type places you might find ones with courses more like that. or "games development and artificial intelligence". its probably not what you want.... but if you look at things around that sometimes you can find doorways into doing what you actually want to do. surely if you got offered a job that tells you that you're good enough. i know you dont have the job now but it means potential is there doesnt it.
what kind of english do you want to do? where do you want to go with it? this is going to sound frustratingly naive or daft or whatever... but have you talked to you teachers about it? because if the thought of failing can make you commit to it most teachers appreciate that commitment and will support you to get you through. but you have to be absolute about it.
poor thing.. she's got you there for her though... smile.. she's still alive. you've got to hold onto that, not dwelling on what will happen later on...
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ti'n seren
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